light therapy

This light is kind of interesting. I have woken up early the past 3 days. Like before the alarm. The last time I did that for days in a row... geez, I don't remember!

Yesterday my friend told me of a gallery in Hastings where she is going to have a show. We figured out that is the same place I had my one and only show years ago. The girl called the gallery owner and not only did the gallery owner know me, she couldn't wait to have me back! Glad I knew this!? Of course I figured she didn't like me.

I need to kick this rotten self esteem. She is helping! You can tell a person to change but people have years of baggage on them. This baggage isn't over ridden easily. You have to cry and admit things you never knew were in you. I've cried almost the whole time for the duration of my last 3 psychology appointments. There is some major shit in me. It is unbearable to act "normal" sometimes. It would probably be an insult to the events in my life - if they didn't change me somehow. Its hard for me to open up to people. I could give that typical answer of "I don't trust people" but that is too cliché and too superficial for me. I do trust people. A lot of them I never look at closely enough to see things to trust and others do something to keep me away. And sometimes, the "things they do" are in my head. Unless they say otherwise I will assume they don't like me. Where does this come from... I've always been a "dork" and my childhood was super messed up. No wonder I have a psychologist. No wonder I have him because I had a brain injury. And no wonder our system needed a fricken intense reason like that to put me in the spaces of the most amazing people I've met.

This whole voice thing - Its not about a brain needing healing so much as it is about my consciousness. As my self esteem gets better so does my voice. Sleep is really important. If I get less than 8 hours I usually feel it. Although last night, thanks to this light, I got a little less than 7. There is a meeting for Food not Bombs at Fountain street church at 7:30. I have found some awesome friends and I can so do tnis.

A lot of people probably wonder about this boy in my life. Sometimes he makes me super mad, and this is odd, because I don't get outwardly angry too often. It's in me though. When I get mad he handles me very well. Sometimes I get frustrated at how immature he is. Then I call him out on it an he apologizes. And he feels so fricken nice and he is so cute. I don't know if I am in the right spot sometimes. I am being patient and trying not to get too distracted.

Although I am doing an awful job. I got a 26% on my first test in Islam. I am guessing I got less than 50% on the 2nd one. My chances of getting an A were gone with the first test. This guy is a gem though. And even though I may not be able to pull a very good grade, I bet I will learn a lot. That is what school is about, right?

I say I a lot. I did feel bad about that. Felt like I was being too selfish. I try to help others with what I learn about myself, I swear. I see my psychologist Friday. Hopefully the gynecologist too. I bet they're gonna be booked this Friday and next Friday I go to this gallery. The only other open day I have is Tuesday when I am to do my taxes. Gotta fit the gym in places. I haven't gone at all yet this week. And it is Wednesday. I am gonna get my butt out the door very soon though. Gotta get there in time to be at school by 12:30.