why

Why am I up right now?
I can think of two rational reasons:
1. I had coffee at 4 or 5 (but it should be out of my system by now, right?)
2. And I am withdrawing from another stimulant, I think.

So, I lay in bed for 3 hours. There is all sorts of stuff exciting me. I have an exam next Monday... yes...it is a week away...so lets try not to worry too much about it.

Eric was away for the weekend. This is the first time, like ever, in our relationship that I have opted to stay home because I had to for my survival. I got a 26% on my first Islam test. That is pretty much why I was summoned to take this class. Dr. Miller has so much wisdom. So does Dr. Fuller. I really need it right now. I think teachers have always been my spiritual teachers. It feels like last semester was way too easy. I had a class with Dr. Miller and got a B. For as little work I did, I shouldn't have gotten a B. Maybe that was the difference in a work load from an A to a B? But regardless, I think he is stepping his foot down this semester because he realized there were people in the class like me who could be trying a heck of a lot harder.

Becky gave me a book to read on Islam written by a few brothers that were Muslim and converted to Christianity. Now that I've learned some about Islam I can say most of their terms are correct. In the fuzzy areas of Muhammad's story they of course chose the option that fit their bias. So they made Muhammad out to be a guy different than the one my text book talks about. And they are quick to point out the things about him that Christians would view as wrong (like, having concubines). Hmm, is this a book of gossip?

The art and spirituality exam... hmm. This image above is spiritual. Why ? Because of the situation in arose out of. This is what I have to do on the exam next Monday! Talk about the social setting, where the supplies came from, where the content came from, the response to the content, why that content was chosen, the amount of time given to complete the work.

 i just urinated and it smelled like coffee... so I guess its not out of my system? 

Check out Sheela Na-Gig.  These figures started in France and Spain in the 11th century then moved their way up to Ireland in the next century. She is holding her vulva open - I think to ward off something? There are a whole bunch of these figures carved onto different stones. 

talked to Dad tonight. He said to call Gary (grandpa). that is another reason I am riled up. I feel loved today and its making me Manic, I really do think. This time, I should know how to treat mania respectfully? Instead of aimlessly pacing around I should do some things that I claim to never have time for other people for. Maybe that is another reason I am up - so I can get some of this stuff out of the way and not feel so overwhelmed. At least my voice isn't an issue right now. I think I am going to drop out of choir. It is just not making sense for me to be there. I don't really have any friends in there and I feel awkward there - so? 

I'd like to move into the James st house. I would have love to live with Ralf and Adena - I hope they both know that. I have a pretty big commitment with Eric. I know he would never force me to stay if I chose to go... but but but -- Ralf --> but! he's a special guy and moving to a different part of town where either one of us would have to transfer buses seems like a sure-fire call to separate. And I don't want to separate from him. I don't feel like respects me too much sometimes. Then again I think that about everyone that gets close to me, probably. I don't do well with relationships and he knows that and handles me very well. He hardly ever raises his voice at me. Probably because I start to cry when he does and he doesn't like that! 

Am I talking in circles, running over the same old shit, or am I learning something? 

I am gonna go read somethin fo' real....