Multiple Realities

So, there are multiple realities going on. Different ones dominate during a certain duration and the atmosphere the person enters affects every fiber of their being. This is why Feng Shui can be important. This, at least, is why cleaning and keeping your things nice is important.

K, something I was thinking earlier that was negative. I was thinking I need a drug to bring out the part of me I like. I saw this with Blake -- that is how we are soul mates. I became the person I like to be because he got me high as fuck. But, I don't like part of that me... because that part of me starts to get really egotistical and awful. Its probably because I stick around. I don't use my courage and fricken DO something. Now I realize maybe that was the danger in resisiting Adena: I didn't say no because I had something else to do, I said no because I wanted to stay where I was. See... part of me had been thinking I only live here because of Eric and she picked up that... then I said no, I wanted to stay with Eric. Whereas before, I would think something totally bad about Eric and that is how he looked to everyone --> because they just heard about from me. Shame on me.

I don't really like writing Fiction, ya know? So should I go back and change some of these names. Man. I really started making some connections at the Y. I think this new gym membership by our house was a metaphysical way of Eric getting me away from the Y so my thoughts could settle down. See guys? If  I go as fast as you all, without this awesome lovely attention I get from Eric... how selfish does that sound? Seriously, no body has ...... I can't make that ultimatum. Why am I making any ultimatum?

I am glad this thing periodically saves. Is saved my butt the other day. It was one of the morning where I listened to the radio.. see.. I'm reving up, getting ready for another thought that matters to jump into my thouoghts <---- its because we think things like this, that I am sad. See, my thoughts create my reality. I dwelled on functioning like everyone else ---> the ideal of equality! See I knew it... this car wreck came to save my fricken life. After I left grandma's I wasn't doing well... I wasn't focusing on learning.  After the car wreck I was so fricken AWAKE. Now, after I have been making some more of my own choices, my life is once again conforming to these habits... those thoughts. So, what should I do now? I should study for this EXAM full of all sorts of fancy dancy art history stuff. I am so blessed to get to write some of my thoughts down for someone. I think art history will provide the language I need to talk to the people I need to. like, in society.

His head keeps flashing in my mind. Why do I want to be flashing in his? Because he has a spirit like Eric he just has a tenacious love for human beings. I absolutely adore that. Eric might have that kind of love for others...he just might.


A letter to Young is in the making. He has been on my mind. He has the power to help me give my message. That is the joy of artists getting to work together? It's so odd that I was with Jen having coffee and we saw him. That should have been a divine sign.

But haven't I also had divine signs with Eric? Becky would say so because Eric makes me relax and really looks at what I need. I get really freaked out going as fast as they go sometimes.

he has such power over me because he is doing what I want to be... maybe I am? People are different you know?

I just pray its smooth. I just pray its smooth. My thoughts are creating this reality. I t may be the least bit true. Oh man. What if his podcast forced me to think of him? I would think lots of other girls would think "Oooo he's talking to me!"? Why am I having such difficulty with these thoughts? I really don't know which way they are supposed to go. I can't decide what I am to do about Eric. Maybe this art show will tell me something?

I need to write up a little blurb explaining how the pieces are spiritual. Thankfully I have till like 1 to work on this type of stuff.

OK, Speyer Cathedral was in the 1000's? 1100's? It was romanesque. It was less flowery (less Tracery) because it was built further towards the tipping moment of the edge of existence (year 0). It has this porch kind of space full of walls lined with reliefs and a solitary, square, statue of a Lion in the center. See, this is about the only paragraph I would want people to read. But what about all the other stuff?

So, I thought this car wreck into existence. It happened to teach me something. Is Eric supposed to walk out of my life now? Maybe neither of my pieces will get selected for the art show and I will get to be Eric's guest for once, I thought this into being, also. See, we're growing.

And at this point the opposing side says, "Ok, whatever, do what you want" and since I just cut an opportunity in the throat... I also cut my life in the throat. May I have another shot? I think I may get one Monday. We'll see. I bet Melissa and Ralf will end up going out to Seattle together. No. That is a non sensical dysfunctional thought. Why would that even cross your mind? How am I able to talk to myself now?

Woah. I turned him down for Eric. My grip is pretty tight. And he is helping me construct the bad habits that make me a distrustful person. I am almost too comfortable. Once you get too comfortable you stop being thankful, as reflective (because I don't have to use that courageous side of me).

What if I try harder to remember to stay alive? Who ever said that me moving into the city is not just a way to nudge Eric?

Why am I thinking about it so much? It is kinda dysfunctional right now. So, shoulda caught the wave when I felt it up there.

I never knew you existed.