Just hung out with James

hadn't seen him for months...
it was good to see him.
I have no thoughts. well, a few.  try to hear this... just listen..

k.

I just texted this person, "Hast du ein word für mich um die Wohnung?" and another person is over. . . and the facts are: I would probably do better in an environment where I was around more love. . . our relationship has reached that crucial level where we feel comfortable yelling around each other: no! another way of phrasing that would be we have reached a crucial level where we have allowed anger to work into our relations and it is great evidence that people are messed up all over the place... peaceful people...is that who a person is who aims to disrupt little? By moving.. I will have to be wise which means I am putting myself in a demanding situation and I better be on top of my game so I am able to keep up. I better be able to admit when I am doing my bit? Of course.. how else am I going to be able to recognize it enough to be able to fix it? See.. there is some good stuff.. when I forget anyone else will read it. When it is FOR someone the intent totally changes. Perhaps painting in school with Kat in the James house in the address of the church is just too perfect.. but it shares a number with God.. in a few places.. The church obviously has God in it but I think James does to.. Maybe he came to understand the things of God without  human language - which is not able to reach nouminous God anyway.. but we have both shared in music.. we have learned much from this. I have many words for James.

art and spirituality

I have a hypotheisis that me thinking I write slower than others is a construct my mind has created that I am following without applying consciouness. I think the most important hing will be to learn the material. Want me to type the notes for you? Ok!
We looked at the way various religions use bodies...gods in Greek art are indeed anthropomorphic.. great emphasis on bodies in Greek art.. man is the measure.. precedent for rejection of physical manifestation them--> of bodies? If we look at Mythic stories we find that looking directly at a God has negative consequences (so they must be powerful images, right?

Then Action, Artemis (Diana) --> basically artemis turned Action into something because he looked at her
To see the divine is overwhelming..the sense in many religions that representation of the divine as a body implies that the God is vulnerable and fragile.

presenting God lessens him (prevalent in African art)

Orphic movement in Greece - put emphasis on gods and the human spirit or soul..philosophical and religious movement that rejects material aspects and portrayal of gods. Put emphasis on god's divine origin.

Plato - God is the measure of all things but he himself has no measure"
Plato wrote "there are two somethings: we must look towards the divine and it alone is worth contemplating. 2. Representing the divine is futile, almost ac-religious"

as soon as we have thought of divinity we have already limited it..
we are necessarily limited by our human capacities...
in exodus when God asks for an image to be made it is completely fine

if I live in the James house and get to paint and take those two awesome classes... I have to really behave myself..

we are studying graven images because it helps us understand the agency the people surrounding it ascribed it..

a religion would want to make the god tangible so he becomes relateable
NEW PAGE:
Turn to Islam: strong history of not portraying the body of the divine. The Qur'an says little about the prohibitoin of image making. :They are of Satan's handiwork". God is considered a metaphysical unity. He is allah, the one, the eternal.

Sufi scholar" I have never seen anything without God in it. I have never seen anything but god".. the notion of god is so transcendent that the idea of him being everywhere is part of the faith.

Christian Icoloclasm: The rejection of images, almost always the rejection of relgious images.. how does the religion ban images of the invisible?

The Christians differentaiated from 2D images to 3D images. Because of the Jewish background of most Christians there is not a whole lot of religious imagery that includes a body. Words and symbols were of often included.. there is some.

For some reason the radio won't start

I can't write about it, because its not there... ahh.. can't write about it because its not there. Maybe that is something I have to keep in mind as I write these papers: make them be relevant enough they are something I could be using to literally help me. . . think about these issues. I think that is why I've always enjoyed working on learning: writing papers - because I was effecting my reality as I wrote. Same now. Same now. Same now. Same now. Same now. Same now.
What I am doing is connected to what
So the Y uses a lot of light, right? I wonder how much the planners took the the sun's location into account. The Y is making you be part of the art..
Those machines provide a rythm and they work me...
conversations surrounding the injury rarely go well.. but talking about the experience by way of a universal object (like a machine or a work of art).. and relate to other "stories," "lives,"..All this knowledge is too esoteric.. but so is the knowledge you have but you are using it so I can understand my life on a more true level. . . that's too Dr. Tom. I just really feel like some intense things are going to go down. I have to stop thinking about them.....no no n o. not stop, rahter, think about them in the context of the things I need to know. Which is this art history stuff. Which is absolutely adorable..
with the cathedral picture I was viewing others making something so beautiful with awe...
I was capturing that building; I was capturing my journey there...
The piece is also about the colors in the sky... The fact that I said something clearly enough that Nancy was able to formulate a thought and react is a start, right? That means she comprehended my words... which is all I was kinda going for...

I think Adena thinks I am telling a story different from hers. At least before she has. Maybe she is seeing because she knows we are all one.

I just have to go to the gym and work out... and enjoy MY LIFE... and I have a whole day to do this. Just enjoy, work on remembering what it is that I enjoy so much... its not really doing this.. its being around public places, seeing the care people give to their own space. . . need to clean my place up. My abs hurt a lot. I am becoming a person who does something really cool. My legacy is inspiring others to do cool things.. it show what you put your thoughts on!

small habits

There are little things I do not do consistently that tell people I am not ready for the big stuff.
it was in my act of asking him that allowed him to communicate some things do me in a more to-the-point way.
When I get this social bull crap out of the way I really do enjoy life.
and being a member at the Y just makes so much sense.
Oh, you pulled it out of me...
And now.. with the gym out of our relationship I shouldn't keep confusing the two.
seriously, I have pretty deep reasons.. but ...... my innate reasons are deeper?
I like the idea of humans communicating to each other with their body language, it is like they are dancing...
when I am in this mind I like to be in I am focused on the holographic universe and ... how others are influenced by my actions. . .  . .  .   .    .      .     osossoooos o   os o o s o  o  oos o o so  o o o o oso  o  o  aoao o o  o   o of o o o o o  o o o o  o  ocok k k k k k k k k k  k k   k  k  k k k k k  k k k  k k k k k  k  k k k m m m , m    m  , nm   jm  .l v .v ;  l.  ;v vk . k /v  . c  mcnl cc,cv.. cl c. .c;c./ / l / ;vv; b'vbvcx;mnz; dcvc/vc. ,v/vc,bn/v .gvv.c
notice the shifts in the way the thoughts came out of the body... this is how art communicates. There is a deep place in me that has connected wit h that u niversal...mode of thinking.. I think the issue is not exactly feeling like I have a family. . . ..   .     .         .
man, it kinda feels like eric was trying to make a family with me. . . without any intention of participating in things of society... well he did buy that rock band and got me to act really freaky when Jacob was over.. that was pretty strange...
k. lots of cool school stuff now!

I think

I think I am drawn to things for reason I have no comprehension of.
Perhaps I was drawn to Cindy with that church with the art show for this exact reason.
I can't help ... lots of things.
Not too sure about how i feel about rides right now.
Not too sure what I feel about help.
It depends how focused nations are when committed to solving the problem. Hmm. Eric has shifted out and someone else has moved in? I was just talking a few days ago about how crummy it was that a guy waited until he had another girl in mind (or in line) before he dumped his girlfriend. And here I am doing the same thing.
So Blake was teaching me how others could love me (and he knew it)
and the consequences of that action are far reaching because it affected how I perceive people's reactions..
What cool conversations did I have today?
I had a really cool one with John. It wasn't about cool things, but it felt right. So I have a vaginal diseasethat 80% of women have one strain of by age 50.
That makes me feel dead. Thinking about that feels like I ruined my life.
Black and white like John said.. try not to see it so black and white...
try to see it how it is? But what if it is thoughts and events with thoughts that create part of how the ...
event.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
The concert was totally fine. am I glad I went? yeah. Did it go just like it was supposed to? I hope so...

The things I want to "share" you can get in your own space... and without some of the stupflundous filler talk. . .
.. i dunno. The few interactions I have with you are some of the most complexing ones.
I feel like you've go it together more than I do. But we're both human, right?! So.. really.. what besides my psychology telling a story to myself could there be for me feeling that I am lacking in some way? Gee wizzers, i loose myself. Eric claims to do this (which tends to be when i get most frustrated).. and I feel really uncomfortable with this double sided way I feel about him... I think it has something to do with these differing "personalities" within us but as our relationship goes on I am recognizing tons of patterns of other relationships clipping like ours feels to be... and it becomes more about the individual psyches than the psyche as a couple.. that is interesting.. two peoples' psyches corrupting each other.. i often ask myself what is causing my thoughts to take the forms they're taking... this therapist guy this morning told me that I sometimes sounded self righteous. And I said, "How much is there I am not saying." And he replied, "like right there".. and I reflected on the few times I have seen that self righteous look in others. The performer playing the clarinet tonight was interesting. It is like he was struggling with his own perception of his "gifts" while he was up there.. it was mostly blues, swing, they did a Pasty Cline song and some famous Jazz song, "Sing, Sing, Sing"

So, been away for a few weeks

When is the last time I got excited about words I did not know? When I was with Matt last at The Bitter End. I think I was on break then.. jeez. I am really not seeing much of him. I did see him in ti kwon do yesterday and that is probably an event that was nice for both of us.

Why do I keep gettin g disctracted onto facebook? There must be something there I need.. right?  Get ready for this week... Saveth at pot for when I need it.. must do that. must not rely on anything external. I rely on healthy food .....when I stop honoring its power is when it becomes "wrong". It is how I look at them that determines their value? I think it is. How am I using this time well? I am thinking about why I am doing so poorly in school. I think the issue is that I have never really studied the way this Islam and Eberle experience is asking me to.

She is a really awesome person. the fact that my voice has always worked around her (basically) is quite the sign. She is looking for a mysterious answer, THINKS well of me and thus influences the way the thoughts about myself go.

Wow. So the places I put myself into have an affect on me.
the library was a good spot to go.. don't know what happened to Matt... thinking maybe I should let that relationship go? I just don't know... hope he calls?

Dad will probably call . he wants me to call him. He might have some words I need. . . .  doing some studying stuff.  Islam? Words.. get excited about words first..
maybe it was one week

Michael Marisi Ornstein- The Bridge

Hey, I'm thinking about volunteering March 4 for the UICA members preview. Have you ever thought about working for them? You have a membership still? How often do you think you go there? I really don't know much about it..

about the painting? first off you would describe it's coloring. Red and Blue aren't compliments.. they might be tertiary colors. I'd have to study the meaning behind tertiary color groupings (actually, all of them) on my color wheel to visualize what to think about. OK --> I got it. It's this beautiful wheel of the colors (like a prism but in a mathematical circle, not a crystal...[we just spent a week or two mentioning tantric crystals in art and spirituality]). You should look at it sometime.  Well, there is a triangle linking yellow, red and blue so the red and the blue in the picture are linked in some way. There is blue, with patches of black, that make up a shape with a head resembling a foggy figure (from the neck down the shape becomes more imprecise and less recognizable [like Klimp's use of Analytical and Didactic painting? -->where Nietzsche labeled two types?]).  

K... if that did/didn't make sense, let me know. This is something my school is trying to teach me --> to be able to talk about art; hopefully in a meaningful way!

Sometimes they want us to write 3 pages of this stuff, actually I have to write a 7-10 page paper for one of my classes on a piece of modern art. I think I am going to do one of Kandinsky's because the Art Institute of Chicago has like 13 of his pieces. Do you know Kandinsky? He wrote a book called "Concerning the Spiritual in Art" (Initially it was written in Deutsch! [German]). I own it now if you'd like to see it when I'm done with this paper. He talks about the spiritual significance of colors and the correlation of music with visual art. 

evening

Today was pretty cool. went to the gym. James cancelled on me. I don't like that I didn't get to see him but it was probably very good that it was me he was going to see after his mom scolded him. clapping is a disturbing sound. My gospel mass CD is clapping. I don't think I want to sing high. I want to sing though... poetry is a song... there we go...  Holy lord.

I went to this VSA event. They go and teach art to all kinds of schools. Tonight I went to a promotion of theirs (held at a $600 per arm chair design place). For whatever reason the "clients" they highlighted had some sort of disability. So, there I saw this special ed girl I graduated with. I had never spoke to her back then but she recognized me (said she saw me in the yearbook)  and came up and said hello. That took courage.

Then we went to Olive garden and Jeffe was really listening to me.. there was some definite bonding. I can't establish all the bonds I am without knowing where I am going, can I? May I have some sort of answer? The next step I am going to take is to go to that life raft debate

And see where it goes...
Und wo ist gehen wir sehen? so gehen is the verb but so is sehen... hm what do we do with this. I am doing some Und wir sehen wo ist gehen?

lolollolo

I bet the combination of l's and o's affects how symbol is interpreted by the recipient.

Man. I'm not sure what to do about this.

This guy gave me a doughnut.

And he fed me cheesecake. Maybe he was hinting that I have to lighten up. it was good cheesecake. But I didn't like............... benefit from consuming it, did I? I don't think so.

Was I harmed. Quite possibly. I bet cheesecake is pretty fatty.

gotta go to bed. man. tomorrow. study. go. midterm next week. Two 7-10 page papers due in about a month in a half. Get ready to hear about them. This should be an exciting tim.e Too bad no one knows about this...

why do I feel like you are they only one that wants to hear about awesome stuff... it's the podcast. Without it, I would have no idea.  Yes I would. I saw it in your eyes: just a fire. I saw in in Olivia, Mrs. Robertson, Deb...I just forget about it. It makes me sad. so i forget about it. Or rather, focus on doing something I enjoy.
I should translate some Spanish. I am going to Spain ya' know.
I am going to Spain. Voy a España. The Apple one-to-one guys taught me that. Thank yooou; I think too many people telling me I was doing to much was turning in to me thinking I was doing too much.

My skin looks wrinkly. Is that because the muscles are retracting? Is that what David meant, phisiologically, when he said it exercise helped him live longer.. exercise, exercise, exercise, I can rarely spell that word out. Hm, if I can do that with a word,  but can't read a date correctly, why is this happening?!
numbers! are one of the first things you learn in a language!
uno
dos
tres
quatro
cinco
seis
siets
nueve
diez

ein
dei
trei
fier
funf
sex
seben
 oct
nuen
tzen

Jezt, wissen du etwas mehr?
I don't know... this location does not have the answers I need...?
Or................................I'm not doing what I need to do? I have all the answers I need?
is that when I become whole?
jeepers kreepers.

all this indoors is killin me yo. But, that stuff out there does too... maybe not if I want to do whatever I'm doing? How have I forgot that? If I want the goal the "work" in between has NEVER been too much, for the past 8 or so years, and now I recognize that I have almost wholly regressed (except totally not, because now I am aware of this) to the state of one who does not like to do too much... I used to blame this behavior on my grandma - because it was true- and now I have the choice to change this behavior and not be controlled by it.  Off to gym!
why the gym? Because there are other people there. Part of exercise is other people. Without others, would anything we do really matter? Maybe.. if it helps you be someone who can function around others?

Exam in 2.5 hours. I'll update after.

Hm. I feel like singing this morning. interesting.
How can I keep from singing?
The grade above our class (chambers) sang that song.
Now our choir is singing it.  i think Deb is Mr. Rowsey in disguise. Maybe the lesson I am to learn is that Eric does do a ton around people. Isn't is a sign to me that every time (almost) ......

so. Different mode. Exam in 5 and a half hours. there were 6 lectures:
The body in art (spent a lot of time on Mary w/baby Jesus- mentioned the controversy over Jesus' genitals having to show as proof (and moral support) that he was like the other humans. --> there is that idea that religion is for comfort? Hm. why do I view that as bad? Maybe because the Cancer survivor said it... she told me these angry words. But she wasn't angry. The Brera Altarpiece by Pierre Della Fransesco.

Why do I start feeling like I need to be around them to be happy? I feel that way with Eric though..both extremes have issues.

Now take that idea into art history:  both extremes have issues: a sublime painting vs. Goya's Saturn devouring his children (late 1800's). Artists "take out all the stops" as time progresses.

I don't know if right now, when I have these images running through my head is a good time to make any drastic desicions. It's like Dr. Miller was telling me to go to GVSU. I don't know if he is a wise guide though. he seems pretty unhappy.

class 2 was emotionalism in Christian art? Peoples getting many of their values from the ideals the images of these gods contain. The images become agents: have life.



the body and sexuality (covers all the hindu goddesses, Shee La NaGig).  By being happy talking to James I was practicing my voice...)

Lanscapes - sprial Jeddi in salt lake.. robert smithson

Sacred spaces - Barabador in Java.. Wadi el Matrun.. monastery in Egypt where earlier Christian monasteries were found. Some sacred structures in Hindu are visual mandalas -- which are yantra? puja is put the sacred into movement and mantra is words.

Meteora Monastery in Greece

Skellig Michael in Ireland

San Michelle in France .. completely isolated when tide goes down

Chahar Bagh - 4 fold Islamic garden - thought that this combinatio of water/botany/ landscape design took on an implicit spiritual context 4 divine liquids, water, hone, milk, wine -->viewing platforms for participants to come and be one with the spiritual construction. Started in Mesopotamia, Assyria, Egypt then adopted by Islamic/Arabic peoples. In the desert do these man-made Oasis have  a heightened anticipation.. significant.. significant anticipation .. ya hear me.. ya hear me.... up and away in my beautiful beautiful ... give ti away? Gimmie, gimmie, hot ride in my revolution... ya hear me

tulips were in these gardens --> good symbol for how the spirit changes during its growth. A tulip doesn't resist its own growth, does it? It also can't choose.. that is a defining thing about humans, right? Maybe we develop all these structures and images because we do need guidance and there are real pleasures really trying to corrupt us. Giving up the pleasures takes something powerful to override them. 

Very strict Geometry in these structures --> sacred geometry? 

Labyrinths have 28 loops. for 28 moon cycles and the menstrual cycle.

Edmund Burke - wrote about the philosophy behind the sublime and beautiful 

monasteries are often in sublime spaces

Much like warm days as spring teases its awesomenss 

comic panel? Whole strip built by 8 different artists? the evolution of the story is in your brain.  comic strips.. jumping jacks for your brain?

build muscle with stretching weight lifting... your body thinks your new job includes lifting weight...

old lady 2 hour 5 days a week at the gym. she starting lifting weights after diagnosed with osteoporosis.

Kunst Magazine

The original article:
Wahrheit und Traum
Sachlichkeit hieß für viele Künstler und Architekten die Losung der zwanziger Jahre. Einige ihrer Kollegen aber wollten sich nicht mehr vom Verstand steuern lassen.
Verstand
steuern
lassen
Etwas tag, ich will etwas man zu

My Translation:

Truth and dream
Professionalism was called for many artists and architects the slogan of the twenties years. However, some of her colleagues did not want to be steered any more of the mind.
Mind
steer
let
Something meet, I want something one to


what I read it to be saying is that in the early twentieth century artists were expected to be professional and now artists are recoiling from being artists. Part of why I am doing it is I don't want my art to be commercial. It looses its power when it is duplicated with the sole purpose of making money. Right now, any duplications I made would be just to make money because I prefer to make things with my hands. I think the overarching thing a person gets with a duplication is the insult that they couldn't "afford" the genuine version. So, how do I avoid insulting people yet still create art?  My head gets caught in this noise of I have to create art to make money, and I really don't want to do that, with the current perspective I have now. Hmmm..

so, I just translated the first Sura in a way? No, I translated a translation. I don't know how that is going to work. I thought it would be like paraphrasing a poem with matt, perhaps? But, Sylvia and ERic ended up doing it. That is significant. RAlf would have loved to do that.. Adena... Jen too probably. Maybe Eric and Sylvia did? Well, I think that exercise discouraged the professor from using the format he was using. I think he may have learned how dead the assignment was for a lot of people. 

Language shifts the way you think. I really want to go to a place where I am forced to think differently. I would like to go to Germany because I feel like it wouldn't be as intimidating. Plus, I could talk to Ralf. And Sylvia. And a whole country of others. Heck, I'm not even talking to the people in my own country, why do I want to speak to those in other countries? I talk to the people in my country about the ideals of bridging that gap. It is an act of extreme kindness to connect with other beings. Adena is connecting with German in the same way I am.. with the hopes of reaching out to another human. That is beautiful. What about all the other people who are doing that? 

Was konnte in der Kunst auf die Schrecken des Weltkriegs folgen? Eines jedenfalls war klar: Das rauschhaft nach außen gekehrte Innenleben der deutschen Expressionisten wollte niemand mehr sehen.
jedenfalls
rauschhaft
gekehrte
Innenleben
niemand
nach
außen


What could follow in the art the frights of the world war? In any case, one was clear: Nobody wanted to see the drunkenness-like outwardly turned inner life of the German expressionists.
in any case
drunkenness-like
turned one
Inner life
nobody
after
outside

No more detail when looked at with a newspaper. All that remains are dots .. that are neither good or bad.
If seen by a ladybug, it doesn't see either stories are dots. Except nothing has changed, it is the same newspaper.
If I move, he is not going to go away. What if he needs me to move, as much as I need me to move? He often ... not always... there are piec... I think my mind just turned off the video when it had a bad thought about it. How often have I progressively been doing this?

See, one thing I was upset about was Brain, the bus driver. I kept not going to his shows, not going to his shows, and I think he started thinking I was a shit-head (as I was also starting to think) and was sending me those shit-head vibes, which I absorbed.

I own it way too much. And if I go at moving with that kind of perspective, the outcome can only be great, right? Like he says, what is the point of worrying about something. I have other things to do, that I absolutely adore. And he will join me if he gets the time. See, I am giving him time to do his own work, separate from me. That if what Ralf was trying to tell me when he said, "then you're going to have to let him go." He was trying to tell me that I am HURTING Eric by expecting him to be someone he can't be, or just can't be at this moment... He left the door open! I do that at his place all the time... so maybe it is the doors?

Nobody like this crying all the time... but the people who have been able to suffer it, I know I have benefited from them. You can't really get to the real me until you can deal with my crying and maybe realize crying is my subconscious way of making you think fast? That might be part of the reason I think fast?! I'm trying to get away from this crazy little creature that wants to drag on to my coat tails.

I like to see and feel awesome things. The sewing things I make are a reflection of the amazingness I have seen in these places. Maybe the Monks on Monacoe picked an isolated gorgeous spot to put their monestary in a breathtaking place so they would always remember to be awed. We stop being awed when nothing new comes in. When you show people that you want to see..... Melissa saw me wanting to see! No one .. well, heather did once.. hiedi and Cindy said they want to, to. I have to see if guests are allowed to come with us to the lectures. And I have to start inviting people.

A cell phone helps with that kind of stuff. It is why a cell phone is important. It is why I should go on a plan with Eric. That is a spiritual reason for having money. Must tell him. And then, this amazing piece of technology has the special power of connecting Eric and I.

Then maybe it will be easier for me to be calmer?

I freak out so bad... I don't know if I even realized how attached I was to ERica and how un-healthy it was for both of us. is. ..
I'll post some of my art history notes later?

Multiple Realities

So, there are multiple realities going on. Different ones dominate during a certain duration and the atmosphere the person enters affects every fiber of their being. This is why Feng Shui can be important. This, at least, is why cleaning and keeping your things nice is important.

K, something I was thinking earlier that was negative. I was thinking I need a drug to bring out the part of me I like. I saw this with Blake -- that is how we are soul mates. I became the person I like to be because he got me high as fuck. But, I don't like part of that me... because that part of me starts to get really egotistical and awful. Its probably because I stick around. I don't use my courage and fricken DO something. Now I realize maybe that was the danger in resisiting Adena: I didn't say no because I had something else to do, I said no because I wanted to stay where I was. See... part of me had been thinking I only live here because of Eric and she picked up that... then I said no, I wanted to stay with Eric. Whereas before, I would think something totally bad about Eric and that is how he looked to everyone --> because they just heard about from me. Shame on me.

I don't really like writing Fiction, ya know? So should I go back and change some of these names. Man. I really started making some connections at the Y. I think this new gym membership by our house was a metaphysical way of Eric getting me away from the Y so my thoughts could settle down. See guys? If  I go as fast as you all, without this awesome lovely attention I get from Eric... how selfish does that sound? Seriously, no body has ...... I can't make that ultimatum. Why am I making any ultimatum?

I am glad this thing periodically saves. Is saved my butt the other day. It was one of the morning where I listened to the radio.. see.. I'm reving up, getting ready for another thought that matters to jump into my thouoghts <---- its because we think things like this, that I am sad. See, my thoughts create my reality. I dwelled on functioning like everyone else ---> the ideal of equality! See I knew it... this car wreck came to save my fricken life. After I left grandma's I wasn't doing well... I wasn't focusing on learning.  After the car wreck I was so fricken AWAKE. Now, after I have been making some more of my own choices, my life is once again conforming to these habits... those thoughts. So, what should I do now? I should study for this EXAM full of all sorts of fancy dancy art history stuff. I am so blessed to get to write some of my thoughts down for someone. I think art history will provide the language I need to talk to the people I need to. like, in society.

His head keeps flashing in my mind. Why do I want to be flashing in his? Because he has a spirit like Eric he just has a tenacious love for human beings. I absolutely adore that. Eric might have that kind of love for others...he just might.


A letter to Young is in the making. He has been on my mind. He has the power to help me give my message. That is the joy of artists getting to work together? It's so odd that I was with Jen having coffee and we saw him. That should have been a divine sign.

But haven't I also had divine signs with Eric? Becky would say so because Eric makes me relax and really looks at what I need. I get really freaked out going as fast as they go sometimes.

he has such power over me because he is doing what I want to be... maybe I am? People are different you know?

I just pray its smooth. I just pray its smooth. My thoughts are creating this reality. I t may be the least bit true. Oh man. What if his podcast forced me to think of him? I would think lots of other girls would think "Oooo he's talking to me!"? Why am I having such difficulty with these thoughts? I really don't know which way they are supposed to go. I can't decide what I am to do about Eric. Maybe this art show will tell me something?

I need to write up a little blurb explaining how the pieces are spiritual. Thankfully I have till like 1 to work on this type of stuff.

OK, Speyer Cathedral was in the 1000's? 1100's? It was romanesque. It was less flowery (less Tracery) because it was built further towards the tipping moment of the edge of existence (year 0). It has this porch kind of space full of walls lined with reliefs and a solitary, square, statue of a Lion in the center. See, this is about the only paragraph I would want people to read. But what about all the other stuff?

So, I thought this car wreck into existence. It happened to teach me something. Is Eric supposed to walk out of my life now? Maybe neither of my pieces will get selected for the art show and I will get to be Eric's guest for once, I thought this into being, also. See, we're growing.

And at this point the opposing side says, "Ok, whatever, do what you want" and since I just cut an opportunity in the throat... I also cut my life in the throat. May I have another shot? I think I may get one Monday. We'll see. I bet Melissa and Ralf will end up going out to Seattle together. No. That is a non sensical dysfunctional thought. Why would that even cross your mind? How am I able to talk to myself now?

Woah. I turned him down for Eric. My grip is pretty tight. And he is helping me construct the bad habits that make me a distrustful person. I am almost too comfortable. Once you get too comfortable you stop being thankful, as reflective (because I don't have to use that courageous side of me).

What if I try harder to remember to stay alive? Who ever said that me moving into the city is not just a way to nudge Eric?

Why am I thinking about it so much? It is kinda dysfunctional right now. So, shoulda caught the wave when I felt it up there.

I never knew you existed.

just talked to Anila ...>

I was just taling to a girl in my apartment complex parking lot about Islam. She was coming from the angle that she told me all about Islam by way of its faults. Her main shot against Islam was that Muhammad was never sure (of what she never revealed, although I assumed she meant that he never knew of his divinity because our book  took special note of that fact (to which they said:        ____).

People of the book à Hebrews and Jews (Muhammad says in the Qur’an to listen to Jews and Christians)

Muslims don’t believe in the “trinity” that Christians do. The name for the “onesness” of God is ß---------_________

shouldn’t we be overjoyed at being accepted into a scheme that is united?

When humans get in groups though, I turn into a person I don’t like UNLESS I am being guided in a way… and this is true for me too.. who am I spiritually connected to? Jenn, Melissa, Kyle -à I don’t know if its good for me to be surrounded by too much intellect…

I should have typed up those notes and sent them to her right then. But I can now, right? And the situation will have a peaceful resolution. This conversation at GVSU is going to boggle my mind until it happens. At the Green Council meeting tomorrow I can tell him and Melissa about it at the same time. In that way, they are both helping guide my life.

when I know it, is when my thoughts are corrupted. That may be one reason why studying never works

my body may be going to the same place in the same general way, but my thoughts aren’t going the same way.

its crazy how I have my most peaceful thoughts when I am high. Eric recognizes that and he recognizes that Kyle is someone “out there” who brings out the cool side of me.

are the subconscious typing mistakes spots where you let the art of writing come int? (For that reason, is editing destructful (in that it takes out the subconscious mistakes in the art of tryping).

I b et there are a lot of people that can type all perfect with no spelling mistakes but it is a pain in the butt to do stuff for the sake of because you have to. ahahahahaha.

But LivFE I I I… DeMANDAS that I cannot be ……ooo muy compjuter jus t did some of my editing for me… and again… happy in publice. the public seriously freaks ame out. I feel like I am not allowed to do things. I don’t feel safe. I felt safe when I went to Ireland, so what is different about this Sjpain trip? It feels like a difficult intellectual pursuit an n n n dd dthere should be no anger, fear, anything about going to another country. I can’t sell my art. I’m sorry but I really think that selling it, corrupts it. Now, I think Tom was trying to teach me how to stay in the game enough to get to the landmarks.

I don’t know. Ich weiss nicht.

Interestant.

Deutsch ist in alles von deises gegen.

Now, if I was being a scholarly, intimidating prick I would go translate it without any sign of joy being inherent in that act of intellect. or this act.

I think it is significant thought that Eric is on the couch watching a television, night after night and I am just freaking out.

What if what Ralf and Anila both said was true. Maybe I am being wrong by “alluding him that I am “keeping” him” … I do really love being around him. Maybe he doesn’t have the energy to live as fast as I do? They really do become different guys when they get together… Melissa and 

Listening, growth

So I am going through a time of great turbulence. My mind is kind of always turbulent and controls me much of the time. I've got all this shit in my history (as billions of others do...some much more) and people are REALLY talking to me about all this shit. Mainly listening, but its kind of the same thing a lot of times... you know... just hearing yourself say it is all you need for it to become conscious. And I don't know how much left there is to say...
I've gotta transcend these thought patterns I've developed over years and years... Every time I start I cry pretty violently. I probably stop because no one like these crying spells. So I stay by myself a lot. If people pay attention there are tears in my eyes, mostly when I'm on the bus. Sometimes when I'm walking down the street. Spin class was a good place to cry. I remember the instructor played Evanesense's "Bring me to Life" at the end of class and it was so beautiful and it summed up how I feel a lot of the time. I can see this intense beauty, feel it, be it... but then its just me. Sometimes I am on the same page as others. Most often I just don't know how to be on the same page as the people around me. It's not because they're "bad" or I'm "bad" --- its that I don't know how to be part of the Status Quo. As Annie said like a year ago.. she thinks my history was perfect the way it was because it made me who I am. I know thats true. Sometimes it hurts so bad all  can do is ball. I'm not really crying for myself. I'm healthy, cute, talented, thoughtful.. in my true nature. Of course I have really hideous, ugly parts of personality.
Last night at the Jammies I was talking to Frank and a girl said "excuse me" as I was repeating myself and I gave her such a glare. It was my instinctual reaction. I felt really bad for doing that. Small things like that just make me feel like I'm in the way... and I dwell on them... there has to be a root for that in my past.
Crying to my dad to stop his drugs and him not being able to change even when his daughter was begging him... somehow it just wasn't worth it to him. He's so smart. such a hard worker. So many humans are. But, we corrupt our souls - as Islam says.
Entering a killer piece into a spiritual art show at church Saturday. Eric got his done finally. last minute. How am I to know that my effort towards him is doing any good? He's gotta be teaching me things. About patience. About love. About being happy, just being.
I don't understand it though. I don't know why someone would go through this life and squander it.
That's what a lazy person is doing -- squandering their life. Man. how can you say stuff like that and still be wanted? When you convict people... that is a dangerous business. That is probably part of why Becky loves me so much despite all my tears. She sees that I just cannot operate in a base, dishonest, corrupted way. I get scared sometimes that Eric is teaching me not to care. If I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face, employing this skill I've developed out of a love for words... I've gotta care somewhere.
Adena likes my rainbow shirt. Awesome. I got that at Bibles for Missions thrift back in high school. It is one of my favorites.

Valentine's Day

I have time to wake up to the radio this morning news. What a privelage.We're going to have highs in the 40's today and 50's by Thursday! Woot Woot!
Generals in Egypt don't love democracy. The trailer Gwen (?) posted on the liberal education blog and there was a quote about how nature lived by rules of democracy.
Oregon was admitted to the union on this date.
1.6 Trillion in debt. Obama wants to cut this debt by 1/3.

buy tickets
copy pages from library
find title of book so I can buy a new one
print pages out of that book.
Turn in application.
Print off Islam Q

We will get housing data this week
Unemployment in about 9% - the number of people applying for unemployment is decreasing. I sometimes wonder if maybe I am suffering from not contributing my labor to society. I work my butt off for school though. Why do I let myself feel guilty about these statements others say about things I should be doing? I am sorry I ever did that. I think I scared Courtney away from me.

How much of this news was beneficial to me? or is?

Irony in Egypt - things calmed down when military got involved. Strange because military intervention is not typical of democracy.

why

Why am I up right now?
I can think of two rational reasons:
1. I had coffee at 4 or 5 (but it should be out of my system by now, right?)
2. And I am withdrawing from another stimulant, I think.

So, I lay in bed for 3 hours. There is all sorts of stuff exciting me. I have an exam next Monday... yes...it is a week away...so lets try not to worry too much about it.

Eric was away for the weekend. This is the first time, like ever, in our relationship that I have opted to stay home because I had to for my survival. I got a 26% on my first Islam test. That is pretty much why I was summoned to take this class. Dr. Miller has so much wisdom. So does Dr. Fuller. I really need it right now. I think teachers have always been my spiritual teachers. It feels like last semester was way too easy. I had a class with Dr. Miller and got a B. For as little work I did, I shouldn't have gotten a B. Maybe that was the difference in a work load from an A to a B? But regardless, I think he is stepping his foot down this semester because he realized there were people in the class like me who could be trying a heck of a lot harder.

Becky gave me a book to read on Islam written by a few brothers that were Muslim and converted to Christianity. Now that I've learned some about Islam I can say most of their terms are correct. In the fuzzy areas of Muhammad's story they of course chose the option that fit their bias. So they made Muhammad out to be a guy different than the one my text book talks about. And they are quick to point out the things about him that Christians would view as wrong (like, having concubines). Hmm, is this a book of gossip?

The art and spirituality exam... hmm. This image above is spiritual. Why ? Because of the situation in arose out of. This is what I have to do on the exam next Monday! Talk about the social setting, where the supplies came from, where the content came from, the response to the content, why that content was chosen, the amount of time given to complete the work.

 i just urinated and it smelled like coffee... so I guess its not out of my system? 

Check out Sheela Na-Gig.  These figures started in France and Spain in the 11th century then moved their way up to Ireland in the next century. She is holding her vulva open - I think to ward off something? There are a whole bunch of these figures carved onto different stones. 

talked to Dad tonight. He said to call Gary (grandpa). that is another reason I am riled up. I feel loved today and its making me Manic, I really do think. This time, I should know how to treat mania respectfully? Instead of aimlessly pacing around I should do some things that I claim to never have time for other people for. Maybe that is another reason I am up - so I can get some of this stuff out of the way and not feel so overwhelmed. At least my voice isn't an issue right now. I think I am going to drop out of choir. It is just not making sense for me to be there. I don't really have any friends in there and I feel awkward there - so? 

I'd like to move into the James st house. I would have love to live with Ralf and Adena - I hope they both know that. I have a pretty big commitment with Eric. I know he would never force me to stay if I chose to go... but but but -- Ralf --> but! he's a special guy and moving to a different part of town where either one of us would have to transfer buses seems like a sure-fire call to separate. And I don't want to separate from him. I don't feel like respects me too much sometimes. Then again I think that about everyone that gets close to me, probably. I don't do well with relationships and he knows that and handles me very well. He hardly ever raises his voice at me. Probably because I start to cry when he does and he doesn't like that! 

Am I talking in circles, running over the same old shit, or am I learning something? 

I am gonna go read somethin fo' real.... 

Today may be interesting

Indonesia to Egypt,
general patterns of being
not about struggle,
those are secondary because you need them to define who you are,
is what he said.
Our own society's porpostrous beliefs? Declaration on Independence?
Yes, it is forcing its Agenda... but does anyone know its Agenda?
(I questionthis immense sneeze session. I don't like being expected to be intelligent but then I created that
stigma didn't I? I am just as guilty, maybe for learning about this stuff.
You too can cut of the head of Goliath with a paper cutter,
is what he said.
I feel so unfunny here all alone. Have artists typically been social outcasts? Leonardo worked for his government..drug trading...ah!
George bush was their hero.
8 yr old kid said he wanted to be an archaeologist
and he asked him why and he said, "To find out who we are".
"If he can do it, we can do it". What is this single stream of positive thought? Coming from little
foreign boys to Barack Obama.
Muslim Brotherhood?
The Al Qauda of 2011 is not the Al Qauda of 2001.
Monothesism created the good/evil roles in society. This was never before.
The world must and should be saved whether we like it or not, he says.
What's powerful enough to take them away?
See guys,
dissapointment really kills me. I have never had a direct connection with the outside - the outside always came through my grandma.
Working at the gallery is forcing me to change this approach to life where I cut things down, instantly.
As soon as I know other people ahve the potential to see this, I change what I focus on.
affect the role of Islam? Does Islam communicate sacrificing for the good of the whole?
Human dynamics, unfolding.
People are Islamic --> Egypt is a religious society. So, also, when interpreting art the Egyptians made one must consider the religious structure of their society.
Ah!
Call Meijer Pharmacy
Call Bodies of Art Exhibit
call the apartment maintaiencei about fixing the faulty lock on my door. Nobody came! Interesting.. aww.. leave it up to others to bring out the positive aspects in me.

Everything good and bad has been inspired by religion.
unless we find a way to reconcile these changes in the world I have a feeling we're going to be left in the lurch. I've gotta do this --> attatch my actions to my everyday life i.e. the people in it.
outside of the economy..
fear drives people.
Why is it that when an Earthquake threat is so much more powerful than a real threat? My art got lazy cause my mind got lazy! The principle of enmity. No body is interested in happy feel goody stuff. How can we be charged in society without competition etc, etc, etc.. Kendall is about competition a lot, it feels like. It intimidates me. That is funny. Because that is what I tend to do to people and things.. that is not what
if you think about the effect that writing had
and you see what is happening in the world today with world communication
and realize it is changing in incredible ways. Its old policy makers that try to sell you the advantages of a buggy stick. What is the relevance of a buggy stick?
Transcend this transference.
By sewing on Wallets after studying with Buffy.
The way we're going to change the world by our example?
But you were just pointing your finger at the community of people who go off and live in a cabin in the country.
Man. I am a Nomad. I kinda feel like  I died, so I did! Oh no! Not totally because Kelley invited me to a VSA Arts thing she is volunteering for on... the22nd? that is a week from tomorrow. Why have I stopped thinking that going out is ever fun?
I feel so guilty sometimes.
I had a pretty full day yesterday.
I met with my psychologist -- where we talk about some intense things -- for 50 minutes, I didn't have to wait for him, for a second. And he got me water; it really felt like the session was about "me". Maybe there was truth in the way they are acting. That is part of their job, to teach humans how much love there can be in the world.
ok. breakfast time.
Then work on wallets and learn some Islam infomation.
BECAUSE, we are to be responsible citizens.
I told him there was a good chance I could fail the semesterif I keep doing what I've been doing.
People have reached out to me and I have shit at them in the face!
They say no reciprocation is required, but cosmically, there has to be, somewhere. I would think a human would want there to be a reciprocation required because we have an intrinsic need for bonding. Maybe it is because I think about things like that, that only certain people talk to me, isn't that true of everyone?
I should also e-mail the people at church back about using their kitchen.
A lot of people have died. Yeah. I think I can understand what Melissa means, with that... 3 pm. How am I going to make this work? Working out wakes up my brain, and it wants to wake up.. maybe wake up by sewing, listening to some words ... there are a few audio books I have.
Man.
Adena offered to have me near her all the time and I refused it and now she is gone completely. Mwwwaaaa, did I not give her enough reciprocation? Or was it the other way around? Or did I give her something that pretended to be more mature than it really was? It felt like she wanted to start a tribe.  So, when I say her it probably obviously was not her. I am obsessed. No. just thinking about the people I learn from in my life. I cannot learn from her anymore. I severed those ties. Or was it the other way around? They will be there if they need to be.
James gets my Godspeed ticket, I feel like love has left my life..................why oh why has this happened..?

light therapy

This light is kind of interesting. I have woken up early the past 3 days. Like before the alarm. The last time I did that for days in a row... geez, I don't remember!

Yesterday my friend told me of a gallery in Hastings where she is going to have a show. We figured out that is the same place I had my one and only show years ago. The girl called the gallery owner and not only did the gallery owner know me, she couldn't wait to have me back! Glad I knew this!? Of course I figured she didn't like me.

I need to kick this rotten self esteem. She is helping! You can tell a person to change but people have years of baggage on them. This baggage isn't over ridden easily. You have to cry and admit things you never knew were in you. I've cried almost the whole time for the duration of my last 3 psychology appointments. There is some major shit in me. It is unbearable to act "normal" sometimes. It would probably be an insult to the events in my life - if they didn't change me somehow. Its hard for me to open up to people. I could give that typical answer of "I don't trust people" but that is too cliché and too superficial for me. I do trust people. A lot of them I never look at closely enough to see things to trust and others do something to keep me away. And sometimes, the "things they do" are in my head. Unless they say otherwise I will assume they don't like me. Where does this come from... I've always been a "dork" and my childhood was super messed up. No wonder I have a psychologist. No wonder I have him because I had a brain injury. And no wonder our system needed a fricken intense reason like that to put me in the spaces of the most amazing people I've met.

This whole voice thing - Its not about a brain needing healing so much as it is about my consciousness. As my self esteem gets better so does my voice. Sleep is really important. If I get less than 8 hours I usually feel it. Although last night, thanks to this light, I got a little less than 7. There is a meeting for Food not Bombs at Fountain street church at 7:30. I have found some awesome friends and I can so do tnis.

A lot of people probably wonder about this boy in my life. Sometimes he makes me super mad, and this is odd, because I don't get outwardly angry too often. It's in me though. When I get mad he handles me very well. Sometimes I get frustrated at how immature he is. Then I call him out on it an he apologizes. And he feels so fricken nice and he is so cute. I don't know if I am in the right spot sometimes. I am being patient and trying not to get too distracted.

Although I am doing an awful job. I got a 26% on my first test in Islam. I am guessing I got less than 50% on the 2nd one. My chances of getting an A were gone with the first test. This guy is a gem though. And even though I may not be able to pull a very good grade, I bet I will learn a lot. That is what school is about, right?

I say I a lot. I did feel bad about that. Felt like I was being too selfish. I try to help others with what I learn about myself, I swear. I see my psychologist Friday. Hopefully the gynecologist too. I bet they're gonna be booked this Friday and next Friday I go to this gallery. The only other open day I have is Tuesday when I am to do my taxes. Gotta fit the gym in places. I haven't gone at all yet this week. And it is Wednesday. I am gonna get my butt out the door very soon though. Gotta get there in time to be at school by 12:30.

Another letter I started and didn't send

Hey! I had a sense that Dr., his classes, you had an immediate purpose. It's purpose showed itself in a way I didn't expect but a purpose I am frightfully excited for. A few weeks ago you touched on a deeply engrained problem of mine: I tend to be really critical of people. I asked, "what if all 4 people didn't know the difference between Shi'a and Sunni Muslims?" and you quietly said something to me about not having faith in people to know.  I shrugged off acknowledgment that I was making an isult -- but I kind of was. I can't trust my cynicism with many people because it ends up just being justified (Gauguin had the same argument when his first show [I think it was in Paris] was shut down on its first day).

I've had a few friends that didn't like Kendall. One said it ruined art for him and the other two dropped out before they got very far. I have all sorts of theories for this happening. And I see it in Gauguin and other people that explore their own psyches too much. There was actually just a story on Michigan Radio about a prison in Arizona where the psychologist of that prison was saying, "some of these minds are like pandora's box and when these terrible things they've done get brought up and they don't have someone to talk to...". I'm exploring something very tender here. I think. If not, i'll die of disillusion. I think.

Rape bill?

House Republicans drop controversial 'forcible rape' language

By: CNN Political Unit

Washington (CNN) - Averting what would inevitably be a charged debate on the issue of rape, House Republicans Thursday dropped language from a new bill that allows for taxpayer-funded abortions only if a 'forcible rape' has occurred, a spokesperson for Rep. Chris Smith, the bill's sponsor, tells CNN.

The term 'forcible rape' as opposed to 'rape' set off a firestorm among many Democrats, who charged Republicans were attempting to roll back the long-standing federal law that allows for access of federal funds for abortion in the event of rape - without any qualifiers.

The bill – which was authored by Smith, R-New Jersey, and has more than 170 co-sponsors, seeks to expand the prohibitions of federal assistance of abortion by disallowing the use of health savings accounts to pay for the procedure or the use of tax credits and/or deductions for medical bills that relate to abortions.

But the most contested part of the bill quickly became the language that allowed for exemptions of these provisions – namely if a "forcible rape" had occurred, which opponents say is a vague definition at best and a veiled attempt to role back abortion rights at worst.
"Some kind" of rape is NOT okay. It's simple," Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz, D-Florida, wrote in a statement earlier this week. "Rape is when a woman doesn't consent to have sex, and that is whether she is conscious, unconscious, mentally stable, or not mentally stable."
The new language will now state the prohibitions on federal funding "shall not apply to an abortion if the pregnancy is the result of an act of rape or incest" - the same language as the current law.

– CNN's Dana Bash contributed to this report

Being in a situation where I was not forcibly raped once... I can see how this argument could be fuzzy. even being the "victim" of this rape part of me isn't so sure I didn't consent on some sub-conscious level.  So, if I can't even say for sure that it was forced, or if my opinion on whether I was or not, changes... how does anyone really know? 

German stuff

	to abandon an option		auf die Option verzichten
	to waive a commission on ...		auf Provision verzichten bei ...
	to abandon a right		auf ein Recht verzichten
	to renounce a right		auf ein Recht verzichten
	to waive a right		auf ein Recht verzichten

this is part of a website my German friend told me about when he was here in September '09. I am sorry I think no one will be interested in the things I am interested in. I was just taught that when I grew up. I learned I existed to serve other people. Now I am trying to un-learn being an un-certified slave.

From: http://dict.leo.org/endelp=ende&lang=de&searchLoc=0&cmpType=relaxed&sectHdr=on&spellToler=on&chinese=both&pinyin=diacritic&search=verzichten&relink=on

Ok = I thought it was interesting that the word waive can be used serval ways in english but also in Deutsch. This is a cross-cultural homonym? or is it heteronym? I always get those two messed up.

HOMONYM: One of two or more words having the same sound and often the same spelling but different meanings. Examples: quail (cower), and quail (bird) fair (appearance), fair (county fair), and fair (reasonable).

HOMOPHONE: One of two or more words pronounced the same but different in meaning, origin, and sometimes spelling. Examples: cite, sight, and site; sea and see; your and you're; bow and bough.

HOMOGRAPH: One of two or more words spelled alike but different in origin, meaning, and sometimes pronunciation. Examples: bow of a ship, a bow and arrow, and a bow (deference/manners).

HETERONYM: One of two or more words that are spelled the same but that differ inpronunciation and meaning. Examples: bass (voice) and bass (fish); polish (shine) and Polish (from Poland); tear (rip) and tear (from eye).

from: http://www.editingandwritingservices.com/homonyms.html